The Adventures of Chinah and Phee
by Iggy Marauder
Summary: //epic crackfic...a compilation of insane musings by myself and Phee// two Dark Side supporter Muggle girls are Portkeyed into the Harry Potter universe...oh the havoc they wreak. //many different pairings: Harry/Draco, Phee/Bella, Chinah/Tom, etc.//
1. Chapter 1

**rated m for reasons! you are warned....and NO. i'm not JKR. stfu and go sue ur own ass.**

Chinah and Phee were an inseparable pair. Having met each other on a website, they quickly became friends, bonding through their love of music and, of course, Harry Potter.

When they found that they lived near each other, they immediately sought each other out, and became a force to be reckoned with. Supporting the Dark Side, they would often prank unsuspecting Muggles and create new spells to be used against foes.

It was one day as they were terrorizing a small freshman student when they felt like something had hooked behind their navel and was dragging them away. Of course, they'd never felt it before, but knew exactly what it was.

Landing with an "oomph!" they toppled over, Phee landing on Chinah. Chinah grinned up at the blue sky.

"Was that what I think it was, dearest Phee?"

"I do believe so, sweetest Chinah." They stood up, and locked their gazes on a large castle, with a lake nearby, and an ominous forest...and a Quidditch pitch.

One Severus Snape was staring into the lake when he heard high pitched screams coming from the gates to Hogwarts. Scowling, he stalked towards the two girls, who were screaming hysterically in joy.

One girl had curls reaching down to brush her shoulders that was brown at the roots and dyed blonde from there down. She wore a tight corset, her breasts smushed together. Wearing the shortest miniskirt he'd ever seen, she had the decency to wear thin, tattered, skinny jeans underneath. Then she had stilleto Converse knee high boots. The other girl seemed to have bandaged her chest down, and wore a velvet suit, her dark brown straight hair pulled back into a low ponytail, with some chunks left to fall in her face.

Both turned and started screaming even louder, rushing towards the gate. The one with the corset dropped to her knees staring in awe. "It's him! Oh my Dark Lord, Phee! It's Severus Snape!"

Severus arched an eyebrow, and that threw them into a fit of giggles.

"Oh, Chinah, he's sexier than I had imagined! I wonder what Lucius and Bellatrix look like!"

"Mmm, Trixie, that hot slice of evil cake." Severus' eyes almost bugged out, and he growled.

"Who are you?"

They gasped, as if awed that he would talk to them. Finally, Chinah cleared her throat.

"Well, Professor Snape, I'm Chinah, and this is my sister in crime, Phee. Can we come in? Please?" They both gave him the most adorable puppy dog pouts. He stared, fighting with himself. They were better than even his godson...

Letting out a long-suffering sigh, he flicked his wrist, and the gates swung open. They screamed and rushed past him.

Linking arms, they began to sing. "The Order said: Death Eaters scare the living shit outta me!"

Severus watched them skip along up to the castle. Who the hell were they?

----

Albus Dumbledore was daydreaming. Well, that's what he liked to call it. Technically, he was tripping on the moonweed hash brownies he'd made and the absinthe laced lemon drops.

It was as he was stretching out a hand to pet the rainbow and very obviously gay baracuda swimming next to him that the door to his office banged open and Severus Snape walked in with two unfamiliar girls. He quickly shoved the hash brownies into his desk.

The girls looked at him and ran over, each taking a lemon drop. "Are they laced with absinthe? I bet they are!" Phee cried, shoving it in her mouth. She reeled backwards. "Whoa...that's some heavy duty lacing!"

"Really?!" Chinah ate hers, eyes actually crossing. "Damn! Sour too...I guess it's to hide the flavor of alcohol."

Dumbledore was painfully sober now. How had they known? Clearing his throat, he gave them a stern look. "Who are these young ladies, Severus?"

"WE ARE CHINAH AND PHEE! LORDS OVER THEE!" Phee broke into peals of laughter and Chinah grinned, swaying.

Severus sighed. "They showed up outside of the gates, Albus, and were screaming shrilly."

"Ay! Ay!" Chinah scowled, stumbling. "AY!" She paused, as if she'd lost her train of thought. "Bitch, you'd scream too if you Portkeyed in front of the coolest magical place ever..." She fell into a chair, grinning at Severus. "By the way honey, Phee and I would love to visit you for some private tutoring, if ya know what I mean."

Severus nearly choked on his spit, while Phee nodded enthusiastically, sneaking another lemon drop. She was, apparently, able to hold her liquor much better than Chinah.

Dumbledore stared. But as he opened his drawer to get his wand, he caught a whiff of the hash brownies, making the moments of sobriety leave as fast as they'd come. So, when Chinah and Phee suggested that they enroll at Hogwarts, he signed them on happily.

Oh, what a big mistake.


	2. Chapter 2

Chinah straightened her currently black tie, smoothing her white blouse. "Phee, co-conspirator of mine, what if one of us doesn't get into Slytherin?"

Phee bitch-slapped her skirt into submission. "Then we shall have to take advantage of it. Of course, if one of us gets Sorted in with the Gryffindorks, we can seduce Harry to the Dark Side."

Chinah smirked, touching up her makeup. She had spelled it to change into her House colors...but only if she made it into Slytherin. "Even so, I hope we end up in Slytherin. I don't think I could stand anything else."

Phee smiled and held her hand out, grasping Chinah's. Then they went outside to wait for Hagrid with the first years.

Carriages pulled up, and students got out, Phee and Chinah giggling and whispering to each other excitedly when they recognized students. Finally, the boats pulled up, teeny tiny first years looking that much more dwarfed next to the huge half giant.

"Oh, 'ello. You mus' be the new girls Proffesor Dumbledore was talking 'bout." They nodded, earning a smile from the large man. "Well, then, come along."

Following the smaller students, they waited in the back, like they had been told to. Totally ignoring McGonagall's speech, they filed in, watching the kids get Sorted.

"Chinah, if you would." McGonagall gave the brown-eyed girl a stern look. Chinah rolled her eyes and skipped up to the Hat, stuffing her head into it.

After a few seconds of debate, the Hat called out, "SLYTHERIN!" Chinah did her best not to scream or run too fast to the snakes' table. Phee took her turn, and actually did scream when it Sorted her into Slytherin.

Rushing over to her friend, she sat down next to her, and found herself face to face with Draco Malfoy.

She gaped, then leaned over to whisper in Chinah's ear, staring at the blond. Whispering back and forth, they kept giggling.

Draco Malfoy was, of course, an attention whore, but only when he knew it was praises to him. So, as the two new Slytherin girls in his year were whispering quite obviously about him, he was miffed that he didn't know what it was about.

"What on earth is so amazing that you have to whisper about it?" he drawled, pretending to be uncaring.

Chinah leered at him. "You, of course. Wondering how fast we can get into your pants."

"And Blaise's."

"And Pansy."

"And Lucius." By now they were talking to each other, listing off people.

"I wouldn't mind the Weasley twins, despite their heritage. I mean, twins, it's epic."

"Narcissa!"

"Oh, Bellatrix of course!"

"Well, we'd need to get into Voldie's pants too." Draco choked on his pumpkin juice.

"Excuse me?"

Phee panted and fanned herself. "Oh, Tom is so hot! I mean, like, HAWT hot. Red eyes...mmm."

"I bet he's into bondage. And if you can't suck him off right he'll CC you!"

"Oh man, mmm, I'd love to feel the Cruciatus Curse from him. I bet it feels like masochistic heaven."

Draco was becoming a little sick listening to them talk. Most of the other Slytherins were too. "Would you two mind not talking about that?"

Chinah cackled. "Phee! We were right! That so would take his innocence!"

Phee smirked, patting Draco's hand. "Poor baby...well, in any case, when can we join the Death Eaters?"

It was then that Draco allowed himself to faint. It was a defense mechanism in this case. 


	3. Chapter 3

Classes went well for the Double Trouble Twins, as they'd taken to calling themselves. Especially when they were paired with Ron and Harry in Divination - a course only taken to have epic fun.

Harry sighed in resigned annoyance as the two plopped down on the other side of their table, and Ron sneered at them.

Phee turned to Chinah. "Five Galleons Ron blows up this class."

"Ten Galleons that I predict Harry's future correctly," the curly haired girl countered.

Harry felt a sense of impending doom wash over him, dread pulling him down like a riptide in the ocean.

The girls shook hands and turned to the two Gryffindor boys, leering at them.

"You know Chinah, my loving consort, there's something to be said about red heads."

"I agree, my ever beautiful Phee. Though, I must say, I'm much more drawn to more dramatic colors. Like blond or black." Her smiled was slow and lazy, that of a predator's that knows they have their prey cornered. Harry swallowed nervously, grateful for Trelawny's sudden commandeering of all attention as the class started.

Tea leaves. Again. Were there no interesting ways to See the future? Chinah sighed, pulling out her tarot deck and amusing herself and Phee with predictions.

"What does my near future hold?" Phee shuffled the Major Arcana deck, pulling one card that called to her. "Ah, The Lovers. I have choices to make soon, about commitment."

Chinah gasped, shielding her face with the back of her hand, while the other shielded her heart. "Oh, Phee! My sweetest love, dost thou cast my love away for another's?"

Phee cupped the other girl's face. "I'm sorry my love! But another has called my heart like the song of a siren. Her eyes hold a gleam like that of a blood moon! And her hands!" She shivered for effect.

Harry was fairly confused, and quite a bit amused, then angry at himself. Slytherins were bad, not funny!

"Then go! I shall set thee free of my confines!" She giggled, and grabbed the deck, shuffling it herself. "Tell me what I am often like." Pulling two cards, she laughed outright. "The Devil and The Tower! Oh Phee, it knows me so well!"

"What do they mean?" Harry flushed as he realized he'd actually talked to them. Ron was staring at him in shock.

"Why, my sexy little Gryffindor, The Devil represents temptation, obsession, and addiction, while The Tower signifies baser natures; sex, lust, want, greed." She licked her lips, smirking at the Boy Who Lived. "I think they define me quite well." Harry felt his face grow hotter. Then Phee said, "Predict his future, Chinah."

Closing her eyes, Chinah relaxed. Speaking in mocking tones, she whispered, "The Boy Who Lived To Be Sexy shall recieve a kiss today." That was all the warning he got before she pounced, crushing their lips together.

Phee cackled, and laughed even harder as Ron started screaming and ranting, his blue eyes bugging and his face turning an unsightly shade of red.

Getting off of the brunette, Chinah licked her lips, smirking. "I believe you owe me five Galleons, Phee-bear."

As the class went up in whispers while Trelawny attempted to bring the attention back to her, Harry was mortified to find that he liked the kiss. 


	4. Chapter 4

Tom's fingers tapped out a tattoo on his throne's arm rest. Twirling his bone white yew wand between his fingers, he waited for his Death Eaters to show up, ignoring Wormtail's hideous snivelings. He sighed, brushing his black hair out of his face, bored red eyes staring at nothing in particular.

Slowly they materialized into the room, kneeling before him. Then, minutes passed by, and only Severus was missing...

Just as he was about to order Wormtail over so he could send some pain to the Potions Master, the man showed up, with two young girls attacked to him, both singing loudly, to the tune of "If You Seek Amy" by Britney Spears. Tom Riddle would never admit to how he knew that.

"Oh, oh, in the Common Room under the lake,  
Headed by a hot guy called Snape I just wanna go to the house were purebloods go Voldie, Bella, and Draco Haha, heehee, haha, ho

Love it, hate it, the Gryffindors will slate it,  
But say that name again, it's S-L-Y-T-H-E-R-I-N Snakes and green and the darkest wizards ever seen Say that name again, it's S-L-Y-T-H-E-R-I-N!"

Their giggles echoed in the painfully otherwise silent room. They bounded away from Severus, who looked relieved to have them not touching him, and knelt before Tom, fluttering their eyelashes.

"Hullo, Tom dearest!" Chinah smirked, licking her lips.

Phee purred. "Hello indeed. Calloo callay for hot Dark Lords!"

A short snarl drew their, and Tom's shocked and slightly horrified, gazes to Bellatrix, who had broken ranks and glared at them.

Phee gasped and ran over to her. "Oh, shh, shh, shh Bella! We'd never leave such a fine woman like you out." She nuzzled her face into the crook of the older woman's neck, licking it. Bellatrix moaned, loving the attention. Her husband had been exceptionally lacking in the recent months.

Chinah smiled, watching the two hungrily, before turning back to Tom and winking. "While they give you a live peep show, how about you induct me into your ranks?"

Regaining some sense of control, Tom growled and fired off a Cruciatus Curse. The girl's eyes rolled into the back of her head, her mouth wide open. Tom snarled in satisfaction, until a long, low moan, escaped instead of a scream.

"Ohhh, fuck! Tom!" He strengthened the curse, but that increased the volume of her moans. She writhed sensually under the green light, arching off the floor and gasping. Finally, Tom released it, and she fell to the floor, staring at him blankly. Slowly, a pout took over her features.

"Why'd you stop? My orgasm was so close."

Phee looked up from her latest hickey (the twentieth, to be exact) that she had been leaving on Bella's exposed skin. "Oh, I missed that?"

Lucius' muttered sentence was heard by all, but they pretended not to hear. "Morgana's tits, they're crazy enough to be one of us."

Tom scowled. picking up the rhythm with his fingers once again. "Hmm...yes, well, someone go heat the brand up." He slapped his hands over his ears as twin shrieks rent the air.

Then Phee turned to Bella, full on kissing the half-crazed bitch. "Oh, Bella, now I get to spend more time with you!"

**the song parody was written by Phee. :B that genius...you can find more of her work on deviantART. just look up "S.L.Y.T.H.E.R.I.N." and find the literature labeled that. her username is ~MourningOrphanage. :D**


	5. Chapter 5

Harry walked along the edge of the lake, letting his mind wander. He didn't notice that Draco had joined him until the taller boy spoke.

"I wonder what the giant squid eats."

Harry stared at the Malfoy, before shrugging mentally and replying, "I dunno. I do know that it recently broke off its relationship with the piece of toast."

Draco coughed. "Pardon?"

Harry grinned. "Well, right before we left home, Ron threw a piece of toast into the lake. We saw the squid reach up, grab it, pet it. Like...fondling. It was disturbing. But yesterday, a soggy piece of toast was thrown onto the Quidditch pitch while we had practice. I assume the toast was found cheating with a Grindylow."

"You're nutters."

"Thanks."

Harry sat down on the gentle slope, Draco following suit. Both were oblivious to the DTT (Double Trouble Twins, if you'd forgotten - which you shouldn't, because that means you'd be the next person they fucked...ahem, I mean, fucked with) as they crouched in a bush some ways away. Of course, because they were awesome and so much better than Hermione, they had spelled Muggle electronics to run on magic. So they video taped the whole thing, using a handy-dandy Extendable Ear to pick up the audio.

They grinned, softly high fiving as they realized that seducing Harry would be much easier than they thought...especially if they could keep those subtle love potions being slipped into Draco's goblet.

"Do you think Ginny would consider coming to the Dark Side?" Chinah whispered.

"Maybe...I think she has the hots for Pansy," Phee replied.

The curly haired girl purred. "Perfect."

-------------------------

Ginny Weasley was on her way to the Gryffindor common room when four hands grasped her - one over her mouth and one taking her hand - and yanked her backwards. The world went dark and two bodies pressed against her in the small cupboard.

She was on the verge of panicking when a whispered "Lumos" lit her attackers' faces. She rolled her eyes. It was those damn horny Slytherin girls.

"Hello, Ginevra." Phee licked her ear, curling the muscle around the shell while a hand squeezed her breast. Chinah grasped the redhead's hips from behind.

"Ginny...we have a proposition."

"Wh-what?"

Chinah pulled her shirt down over her shoulder, nibbling the exposed skin. "We've seen how you look at Pansy...we can get you together with her, if you come to the Dark Side and help us bring Harry into the fold."

The redhead gasped. "No! Harry has to defeat You-Know-Who!"

Phee giggled. "No, I don't know who. But that doesn't matter. If Harry came to the Dark Side, purebloods and powerful half-bloods would rule...but only the hottest of them. Harry'd love what we have planned for him..."

Ginny gulped. "What do you mean?" she whispered. Phee unbuttoned her shirt, pulling the bra down and biting the girl's nipple, making her gasp.

Chinah answered her, breathing against her ear. "Do you like boys kissing boys?" Ginny nodded, biting her lip. "Then you'll love that we want to hook Harry and Draco up. And then have him be the beautiful little whore for the Death Eaters. And you could have Pansy, and we can all live in our perfect little harem."

"No hurting Harry?" When she recieved a murmured affirmative, the younger girl nodded vigorously.

Chuckling, the older girls backed off, opening the door and blinding her with the corridor light. They winked, saying, "She'll be yours in no time," and walked off, conviently forgetting to mention that Pansy wanted her just as bad.

---

**awesome, no? xD i won't be able to update for a day or two, but you know how it is. :B if it's any longer, i'll compensate you with some extra chaps. xD**


	6. Chapter 6

For some reason that I will over look because it isn't very important (this is a crackfic, it doesn't have to make sense), both Chinah and Phee could speak Parseltongue. So, because they could, they hurried to the girl's bathroom on the second floor, and opened the door cautiously.

Looking around, they let out a sigh of relief. "Thank Voldemort...I was sure Myrtle would be here to shriek at us."

Phee shrugged in response. "If that had happened, we could've cursed her like we did Peeves."

"True, true! Well, let's see..." Chinah stepped forward, inspecting the snake faucet. //Open,// she hissed. The sink rumbled and moved, revealing the pipe. Phee squealed and cast Impervious Charms on both of them before diving head first into the hole, shrieking and laughing.

Chinah threw herself down, giggling. As it went on and on, Phee stopped laughing, and Chinah said, "This feels like we're going down The Rabbit Hole."

"I know!" the darker haired girl called out. "Will it ever - eek!"

"What?!" Suddenly, she shot out of the pipe, landing on top of Phee, who gave a muffled, "Oof!" Chinah scrambled off, helping her friend up.

Phee brushed herself off, before smiling and taking Chinah's hand, the two of them skipping deeper into the Chamber of Secrets.

------

Harry, Ron, and Hermione pushed the door of the girl's bathroom open quietly, just in time to see the sink move back into place. Their jaws dropped.

"They speak Parseltongue?" Ron squeaked. "What if they're You-Know-Who's kids?"

"Ronald! That's ridiculous!"

Harry rubbed his temples slowly. "I think we should follow them."

Ron turned slightly green. "G-go back down there? I don't think I can..."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Ron, you didn't fight the basilisk. And it doesn't matter; it's dead. I should know."

Ron quivered but nodded, and Hermione squared her shoulders, giving Harry a sharp nod.

Harry reopened the entrance, and the three of them jumped down, listening to the giggles and laughter of the two Slytherins.

After a while, they heard the two pop out, and then, five minutes later, the Golden Trio themselves tumbled out onto the damp stone ground.

Hermione quickly dried and refreshed their wet, smelly robes, and they set off, following the two girls. Ron quivered and sometimes whispered comforting things to himself, Hermione clutching his wrist. Harry slunk ahead of them, in a half crouch in case Phee and Chinah turned around.

"Phee, darling, how's Trixie?"

Phee giggled. "Oh, she's such a sadistic dominatrix. She Crucios me when I don't eat her out right. It's exstacy."

Chinah sighed dreamily. "Oh, I understand. Tom gets so riled up when his followers fail to pull off a raid right. He pounds me into the mattress until I've left a permanent indentation. Angry sex is the best with that man. He likes to leave his dark mark all over my face." She giggled at the innuendo.

Harry stared in shock. "Are they talking about who I think they are?" he whispered. Look at Ron, he noted that the red head was pale and looked like he was about to faint. Hermione was wide eyed with a mix of fascination and horror. She nodded slowly.

"Well...I wonder what's down here. If we're going to host parties down here, we're going to need to get rid of the basilisk corpse."

"Mmhmm. I think we should harvest what we can for Severus, too."

Phee laughed. "Mmm, Snape, that sexy beast! He can stir my cauldron anyday!" They laughed heartily, and Ron fainted.

Harry was slightly intrigued. And disgusted with himself for being so.

The two Slytherins heard Ron's body fall, and knew exactly who was there. "Oh, Harry, Hermione! Come on out! It's okay, we won't bite..."

Chinah smirked. "Unless you want us to, of course."

Harry stepped out, putting on bravado to hide his quaking nerves. Hermione seemed to fail at that as she hid behind the green eyed boy.

"So, Harry, sweetling, what do you think? Parties down here would be epic, no? I think Salazar had some chambers down here for personal use. I bet they're up there in his statue."

Phee nodded in agreement. "Oh, Hermione, come on! We can leave the gorgeous fire crotch for a moment." Hermione squeaked as she was yanked towards the large statue of Slytherin.

Chinah hooked her arm with Harry's, skipping along with him in tow. "So, Harry dear, why must you spy on us?"

"You're Slytherins! And speak Parseltongue, and are up to something!"

She laughed heartily. "Oh Harry! You're so adorable! Yes, we are up to something. We want to host a huge party down here. I think you should come! Draco will be there..."

Harry's face burned. "W-why would I want to go to a party with Dr-Malfoy?"

Chinah grinned slyly. "Well, dear, it seems that you like him. I can attest to the fact that he likes you back." A sudden squeal shortly followed by a screech made the two run to catch up to Phee and Hermione. 


End file.
